Jeff's 20 Simple Rules for Air Travel

I had a red-eye to NYC on Sunday, flew back last night. Both flights were packed (I guess someone at United had the bright idea that smaller planes would boost their load factor numbers). So let's just say that I had ample time to compile my 20 Simple Rules for Air Travel.

1. Security checkpoints. In the U.S. you are required take your laptop out of your bag, take your coat/jacket off, and show some identification. The entire process is pretty smooth when travelers are prepared and don’t wait until they are standing in front of the detector and the security person is telling them they need to take off their jacket.
2. You don’t have to take off every piece of metal, really. Belts usually are not a problem, and athletic shoes or casual dress shoes are no problem… but whenever possible I plan ahead and wear a pair of shoes that slip on/off easily in case I have to take them off. Most watches are okay as well.
3. If you can’t lift your bag into the overhead bin by yourself, then bag check the fucker. And don’t stand there looking at me like I’m supposed to help you lift it up.
4. Got a bag/purse slung over your shoulder as you walk onto the plane? Just know that it’s going to smack everyone in the aisle seats as you walk by
5. The rolling bags may technically fit in the aisle, but unless you have the driving skills of Schumacher you can bet that you’re not going to successfully roll it down the aisle. Just cut to the chase and carry it.
6. When you are standing in the aisle and I’m sitting in my seat, get your big wide ass out of my face, please.
7. Parents with young children are stressed out enough about the entire process of traveling with kids; don’t make it worse by throwing them skunk eye because their children might cry at some point in the flight. Be nice and flash them a smile.
8. Don’t wait until the movie is over to go to the lavatory, that’s when everyone goes. Best time is halfway through the movie
9. Shoes, keep ‘em on. Exceptions are overnight flights or any flight over 6 hours in duration. People with known foot odor problems are not granted exceptions.
10. Do NOT get the chicken, God only know where it comes from. The pasta is usually safe, better yet is to eat in the terminal and skip the in-flight culinary disaster. If you chose to bring your own food on the plane, please understand that I may find the odor of your Big Mac and fries to be utterly disgusting.
11. Water; unless you see it coming out of a bottle don’t drink it. Bring your own is best. At any rate drink a lot of it and stay away from alcohol, it’s a diuretic. Coffee is as well, but I’m willing to risk that.
12. Touch as little of the plane as possible, it’s like one giant Petri dish to begin with. My wife is good about this kind of stuff, she puts a little pack of wipes in my travel bag when I fly.
13. Don’t be a loud talker, just because you can’t hear yourself does not mean everyone else can’t. It’s pretty fucking annoying when people hang out in open areas and gab, like in the space next to the second set of doors on a 757.
14. If the airline does not care enough about you to give you the middle seat, don’t expect me to fork over the armrest
15. Window or aisle, the eternal question. Personally, I’m an aisle guy because I like the control of being able to get up whenever I want. However, riding the aisle on a red-eye is not wise; you get a little more space in a window. The aisle also comes with the obligation of getting up when people want to get out.
16. Speaking of seat selection, it helps to know what equipment you are flying ahead of your flight so you can request a good seat. For example, I used to fly a lot and kept simple notes about some of the planes, like row 9/10 on a 737, the exit rows where they have the weird open slot configuration on the windows in row 9, which means that 10A and 10F have no seat in front of them and lot’s of leg room. Not all exit rows are good, some exit seats don’t recline.  Bulkheads are nice, but you don’t get any under-seat storage so be prepared. Check out www.seatguru.com for more info.
17. Don’t assume that everyone you sit next to is interested in talking to you… although I have to admit that I’m a little conflicted on this one because after all I did meet my wife on a plane.
18. Don’t wear perfume or cologne on a plane, there is some weird scent magnification factor in the sealed environment that is a plane
19. Don’t assume that everyone sitting in the back of the plane thinks it’s the “party zone”.
20. Skip the move, aside from being content edited, the display technology on most aircraft is just plain bad. Read a book instead.

Comments

[Steve Mann]

From an international perspective there are a few more rules...

23. Scotch...drink plenty of it and often (and it tastes better than the wipes... oh, you're not supposed to suck on the wipes... i just figured that out!)

24. Business class... has become the economy class for international travel, although if the carrier has fully reclining sleeper beds, its a winner... try British Airways or Singapore Air.

25. Totally agree with the Bose Noise Cancelling headphones... I highly recommend them, especially for long haul flights (anything over 6 hours)... they made a recent flight to Bangalore almost tolerable. Although have you ever given out any of those "courtesy cards" that Bose provides? I am dying to but no one has ever asked me for one.. guess its an barrier seating issue.

S.

[jeff]

I've heard nothing but good things about the Bose headphones, told my wife that they are on my Christmas list.

[Paul]

26. You will look a mess after 6 hours plus of flying. You will not achieve the transformation in the bathroom you're looking for.....accept it.

27. If you're sitting on the window and getting your food/drinks over me, don't dare spill your drink on me. I get extremely agitated the second I know I am going to be sitting for hours with tomato juice on me! I might lash out!

28. If you're on a flight to Cancun, and you're with a large group........don't, and I repeat DON'T decide to see what happens if all 30 or 40 of you all of a sudden move to one side of the plane. It is irrelevant how drunk you are!

29. If you do have headphones on, spend more than 10 bucks for em. I don't want to hear what you're listening to....get Bose or in-ear buds or anything but not your old set from the early 80's Walkman.

30. Please don't tell me how much you fly and how much you hate it. There's lots of people doing this nowadays, myself included. I've heard it all! You could be sitting in the same office for the next 20 years, day in, day out!

[Nick Gray]

Here's my tip - http://www.eclipseaviation.com/ I can't wait to see what sort of air taxi systems come from "the Barbie jet revolution."

[jones]

Can I fly to a country (israel) one way and then take care of flying back once I get there?

[yolanda short]

I appreciate and enjoyed all of your tips and suggestions for flying and I am wondering if you could recommend what I should buy to eat on the plane trip from Washington, D.C. to Seattle, Wash., about a five hour, or so, trip, as I haven't a clue as to what to take. Thank you so much for your time and consideration in this matter. Sincerely, Yolanda

[cma]

Re: met your wife on a plane.

Nice pull, brotha.